


A Fatalistic Bliss

by BombshellKell



Category: Thor (Comics), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Music & Bands, Drug Use, F/M, Gen, Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-15
Updated: 2013-03-02
Packaged: 2017-11-25 15:48:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/640475
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BombshellKell/pseuds/BombshellKell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fandral hasn’t had a drink for sixteen days. Loki is in love with his brother’s girl. Sigyn is in a troubling situation that she won’t be able to hide from Loki forever, and everyone is keeping secrets from everyone else.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_My name is Fandral, and I haven't had a drink in sixteen days. That's how you're supposed to start, right? I hate diaries, so I'm telling all of this to my computer, not that anyone will ever see it. Maybe someday, if I die this really big epic death and they search my computer, they'll find it and publish it, or turn my life into a movie, or maybe a Broadway musical._

_Sometimes, my life already feels like a musical. I'm in this band, The Warriors, with most of my old friends from high school. We never really seemed to be able to take each other off. I turned twenty-two seventeen days ago, and Volstagg, the oldest one of us, is only twenty-four. So no one really takes us seriously yet. I guess we still look like a bunch of kids. But we don't sound like a bunch of kids, I'll tell you that. We're pretty good. I play rhythm guitar, only cause Thor won that game of rock paper scissors and got to play lead. When we were in high school, I took a semester of guitar class before I quit and just started learning on my own. I'm not really a fan of people telling me what to do._

_Thor's good at it, though. He has what I guess they would call a good stage presence. Everyone just wants to look at him all the time. Thor's brother, Loki, is on keyboards, and he's been playing piano way longer than any of us have been playing our instruments. He's adopted, and when we were in school he was way weirder about that than he is now. He always tried to be the most talented, the most well-rounded, or whatever. So he learned to play the piano and violin both, though we never really ask him to play the violin, so I don't really know if he still remembers. Loki has a girlfriend, Sigyn, who he's been going out with for three years now. She's pretty. Like, really pretty. And not just pretty, she's smart, too. She sometimes helps us write lyrics._

_Thor's girlfriend is also our vocalist. Sif didn't want to be in the band at first, but Thor managed to convince her after reminding her of all of the great famous groups that have badass female singers. She still doesn't think she's a great singer, and maybe she's not the best, but her voice isn't one you forget too fast. Sometimes she's a little bit of a control freak, and her and Thor argue almost as much as they make out, but they're alright, I think._

_Volstagg and Hogun have been in our group for as long as I can remember, especially Hogun, but only cause in high school Volstagg was two years ahead of us. Hogun plays bass, and he's good at it, even though he's never cracked a smile onstage once. Or offstage, really. The guy isn't big on the happy faces. We think something might have happened to him to make him so serious all the time, but no one's had the balls to ask. Volstagg likes food a little too much, but all he does is sit back there and pound on the drums, so no one's complaining._

_And then there's me. Nothing really special there, except I started drinking when we were sixteen and only managed to stop sixteen days ago. But so far, so good. I found ways to deal with it. There's a club down the street with bathrooms that have seen more than their fair share of action, a good forty percent of it from me. Even when I go down there and don't drink, it kind of feels like I'm drunk. I don't have to think about all this other shit, like paying rent and telling everyone what happened to Marian, cause all of them are still asking. But all I have to do is head down to Valhalla and get a couple of girls, and everything just sort of slides away from me. It's nice._

\- - - 

"So we'll see you all tomorrow," Thor was saying as they all packed up. "And Fandral, be sure to work on that chord progression for the first song." 

"We might want to think of a title for it before we worry about chord progressions," Fandral said dryly, but Thor only shook his head and gave him a good-natured whack on the shoulder. Hogun wordlessly set his bass back in its case before waving to them and heading out of the garage. Loki and Sigyn's garage, to be exact, for they were the only ones of them that lived in a house rather than an apartment, and therefore were the only ones with a garage suitable for practicing in. 

Sigyn herself was sitting on a box on the opposite garage wall, listening to them play with a book open on her lap, but when Hogun and Volstagg left to return to their apartment building, she slid off to lean over Loki's keyboard to give him a kiss. He returned it, much too briefly, before getting up to put his sheet music away. Dejected, Sigyn went back to sit on the box, picking up the book again. Fandral shut the clasps on his guitar case and went over to sit next to her. 

"You look awful sad for someone who practically has a harem of hot musicians in their garage." 

"I'm not sad," she said, though it was almost comical how little her expression matched her words. Fandral raised an eyebrow at her expectantly until she continued. "Don't worry about it."

"Alright, alright, I won't," he said, holding up his hands in surrender. "But it's tiring as hell, keeping secrets. Trust me." 

Sigyn heaved a deep sigh, slumping her small shoulders and drumming her fingers on the cover of her book. "…Come inside while everyone's cleaning up. I'll tell you. But you have to promise not to tell anyone else. Not even Loki." 

"I promise," he guaranteed her. She slid off the box again and went through the door to the kitchen, smiling at Loki on the way as he organized all of his sheet music in its box. She shut the door behind Fandral and herself once they were inside, and walked over to where her purse was hanging on a hook by the front door. 

Fandral sat down at one of the barstools in the kitchen, crossing his legs as he waited for her. Eventually she walked over to him, holding soemthing out for him to look at. Once he saw what it was, he didn't reach out to take it, but leaned over to get a closer look. It was a pregnancy test, with a little pink plus sign clearly apparent against the whiteness of it. 

"You're…" Fandral's face blanched. "How the hell are you going to keep this from him?" 

"I…" She bit her lip. "I don't know. I don't know what to do." She put the test back in her purse and sat on the barstool next to his. "I thought maybe I could… stop it. Before he finds out. We can't do this, Fandral. We can't afford it, and I don't think Loki even likes children…" 

"Stop it?" Fandral's eyes widened even further. "Sigyn, there's no clinic that'll do something like that anywhere near here. What were you going to do? Find some dirty back-alley doctor to do it for you and give you some kind of disease?" 

She started crying, and immediately he felt horrible. He put a hand on her shoulder, not sure if she would push away from a hug. She sniffed, wiping her tears away with the heel of her hand. "It's not fair. I already know he's getting bored of me. He hardly even kisses me anymore. I don't know what to do." 

Fandral exhaled through his nose, trying to think. "…I guess you should probably just find someone who wants to adopt it, really quick. Then you can tell him that it's all taken care of, and whatnot. Right?" 

She nodded slowly. "That… might be a good idea. In the newspaper. There are advertisements all the time. As long as I can find someone who'll take good care of them…" 

"I'll help," he promised her, giving her shoulder a squeeze. "You're not showing or anything, so we still have a little bit of time. And if you start throwing up, you can blame it on the flu or something." 

"The flu isn't even going around, Fandral. It's May." 

"Well, everyone gets sick sometimes," he insisted. "He can't blame you for that. You might have to do some pretending, like you're sick during the day too and not just in the morning…" 

She stared at him, her arms crossed over her chest as if she was cold, despite her reminding him that it was May. "You're a lot more helpful than I expected you to be." 

He shrugged. "We're friends. That's what they're for, right?" 

That made her smile a little, even through her tears. "…Right," she said. "And you won't tell him, right? Or Thor, or Sif, or Hogun or anyone."

"I doubt Hogun would tell anyone, but yeah, I promise," he said, holding up a hand to seal the deal. She nodded, looking him over, scrutinizing him and searching for a lie but finding none. Fandral smiled at her, albeit a bit tightly. He already had one lie. He didn't have room for any more. Some people just weren't cut out for lying. 

\- - - 

Loki could almost convince himself he loved Sigyn when they were alone, but in times like these, when he found himself sitting across from Sif with nowhere else to look but straight at her face, he wondered why he bothered. Thor was gathering up all of their plates, Loki muttering a thank you when he took his. 

"I don't know what we're going to do about Fandral. Sometimes I think he'd be better playing lead," he said lightly, disappearing into the kitchen. Sif gave a good-natured laugh, but shook her head. 

"He isn't that bad, Thor. He taught himself, after all. The rest of us have taken at least one class. I think you should go a little easy on him. You know he's still upset about what happened with Marian, and all of his drinking…" 

"But he won't tell us why they broke up," Loki mused, looking down at the table cloth. "Only that she left him. It seems odd to me." 

"Fandral has never been the very best at discussing his feelings," Sif pointed out. "Not all men can be so upfront as you two, remember." Her face broke into a grin. "I just got lucky." 

Thor rolled his eyes, coming back into the dining area. "Well, I have to go fix this lady's washing machine. I'll be back before seven. Thanks for having dinner early on account of me." He grabbed his work bag from beside the door, the one that contained his tool belt and small equipment. Sif blew him a kiss goodbye, and he disappeared out the front door. Sif gave another shake of her head and stood. 

"So, you have to be anywhere, or do you have some time to kill?" 

Loki raised an eyebrow. "I don't have a curfew, if that's what you mean. What did you have in mind?" 

"We could go over the part of the second song that I'm having trouble staying in time with," she suggested, heading out toward the living room, which was only big enough to hold what was there: a shelf for DVDs, a small television, a couch, and an upright piano by the window. She sat on the seat, patting the seat next to her. 

He slid onto it, putting his hands on the keys and hovering over the beginning notes. "You didn't sound like you needed any help," he said, looking over at her without turning his head.

"Well, it can't hurt to practice," she pointed out, curling her hand into a fist and lightly bopping his hand down onto the keys. He rolled his eyes just as Thor had before he left, and started playing the introduction to the song. She stopped him a few times when he went too fast or two slow, but eventually started singing some of the lyrics Sigyn had written. 

" _And when the sun sets and the friends are gone_  
 _I feel like you just left with them_  
 _Living in this world of pain and misery_  
 _Why should my life be any different in the end?"_

She looked over at him when the chorus was over. "She wrote these, right?" Loki nodded. "Don't you ever worry about her?" 

He looked down at the keys, lightly brushing his fingers over them. "No. I've asked her. She writes them because they're relatable. To those who listen to our music. That's what she said to me." 

Sif gave a sort of hum of understanding, clearing her throat out and getting ready to sing again. But when she turned her head toward Loki, presumably to tell him that she was ready, he was kissing her, and worse, she was kissing him back, her hands coming up to hold the sides of his face as a sigh escaped through her nose. Loki closed his eyes, holding the kiss for as long as he could. One of his hands left the keyboard to slide down her side, to the hem of her t-shirt, his fingers slipping underneath it. 

This seemed to pull her out of her trance. She pushed him back, his elbow crushing into the piano and making it strike an ugly chord in protest. 

"What are you doing?" was somehow the best thing Loki thought to ask. It wasn't. 

"What am I doing? What are you doing? You're Thor's brother, Loki! You can't just come in here and try to take my clothes off!" 

Loki stood from the piano stool, taking a few steps back from her. "I'm sorry," he said, trying to smooth things over as immediately as he could. "You're absolutely right. I was carried away." 

"Don't give me any of your bullshit now. I see right through you, and you know it," Sif said scathingly. "I think you should go." 

He stared at her for a moment, feeling a bitterness rise in his chest. She'd touched him. She'd kissed back. Why was she shoving him away for Thor's sake now. "Fine," he said, snatching the music from the piano and starting for the door. "Have a nice night." 

He was all too aware of Sif watching him as he left. He glanced back at her once he was halfway to his car, seeing her face from the other side of the screen door and pursing his lips before turning his back on her and walking the rest of the way to the car without turning back again.


	2. A Complete Asshole

_My name is Fandral and I haven't had a drink in eighteen days. We have a gig this Friday, an actual gig, though we aren't getting paid so maybe it's not really worth stressing out over, or even really mentioning at all. Loki and Thor want us to be perfect, but I think they both have way different ideas of what perfect is._

_Last night, I was trying to write some music when Sif came over uninvited. Not that I mind; she does a lot, and she did a lot more when we were in high school. But she looked really upset when she came through the door. I thought maybe she and Thor had a fight, or even worse, that she was gonna tell me she was pregnant, too, but it wasn't any of those things. It was worse. She told me that, after dinner a couple of nights ago, Loki kissed her. But it didn't end there. She'd kissed him back. She was crying and yelling at herself while she told me everything, but by the end of it she seemed more pissed off than upset, like she couldn't believe this was all happening. At first I thought she was pissed at Loki, but the further she went, the more I realized she wasn't pissed at anyone._

_I don't know what to do. I should tell Sigyn, but I shouldn't. She would want to know, but she wouldn't. She would appreciate that I told her before this whole baby thing happened, but she'd hate me, too. But she already knows he's not interested in her as much as he used to be. She has to have thought about something like this happening, even for only a second. How am I supposed to go on helping her and Loki with the pregnancy thing when I know Loki doesn't even want to be there in the first place? How the hell do I tell Sigyn the father of her child, the father she's already terrified will leave her, might be in love with somebody else?_

\- - - 

"So what exactly are we going to play on Friday?" Fandral asked, rifling through the box of guitar sheet music they kept along with the rest of them. "Just covers, right? It's not like any of our actual songs are good enough yet." 

Hogun shrugged, pulling out a book of Rolling Stones music and flipping through it. He pointed at 'Sympathy for the Devil', and Fandral scribbled it down on the list of possibilities. "Loki likes that one," Hogun said. Fandral felt a twinge of guilt at the knowledge he was carrying about Loki, knowing he couldn't tell anyone else. 

"And we should keep him happy," he said lightly. "Thor upset isn't anywhere near Loki upset. At least Thor gets it all out in front of your face. Loki holds grudges." 

"Why would he be upset?" Hogun asked with a deeper frown, as opposed to the ordinary frown that was his neutral facial expression. Fandral shook his head. 

"No reason. I just know we've all been arguing about music lately. Nobody thinks they're getting enough solos, nobody thinks the songs make them sound good. Nobody feels like part of the band. It's weird." 

"Yeah." Hogun shrugged, but didn't say anything else as he continued flipping through the music, some printed on computer paper and some bound in books. Suddenly, a sound floated through the wall, where Fandral knew Loki and Sigyn's bathroom was. It was the sound of someone violently vomiting, or some mixture of vomiting and crying. He glanced at Hogun without meaning to, and the look on his face must have been neutral enough, because he wasn't prompted to say anything. Hogun only took the stack of music they'd decided on and slid them into the large pocket on the back of his guitar case. 

"There must be something going around," Fandral said, forcing himself to sound casual. Hogun didn't say anything, which both relieved and terrified him. He didn't have a lot of time to think about it before Loki came out of the door to the house, running a hand down his face and sighing. 

"She won't let me help her, or tell me what's wrong," he said, casting a glance back at the door even after it closed. "Or let me call a doctor." 

"She's fine," Fandral assured him. "There's something going around, probably. I felt sick a few days ago, too, you know. It's all over." 

"I haven't seen anyone else with it," Loki said, but didn't seem to want to pursue his suspicion further. Hogun shut his guitar case and left with a wave to both of them, turning the corner to go to his car and leaving Fandral and Loki alone. 

"…So…" Fandral stuck his hands in his pockets. He was going to make another comment about Sigyn's apparent illness, but somehow, what came out of his mouth instead was, "Sif told me what happened." 

Loki turned sharply, looking taken aback, but not for long. "…I thought she might. I suppose you're going to tell Sigyn now." 

"No," Fandral said simply. "Cause unlike you, I'm not a complete asshole. You know, Sigyn already thinks you don't wanna be here anymore. I don't care what you do, Loki, but do it quick, cause she deserves better than you." 

His eyebrows shooting up, Loki let out a small laugh. "That's appropriate, coming from you. As if all of us don't know all of the women you've cheated on, all of the marriages you've ruined by taking drunk wives home with you. Who are you exactly, to tell me I'm being a complete asshole?" 

For a moment, Fandral was stunned into silence. "Look. I don't have the best track record, I know. But Sigyn worships the ground you walk on, and it's obvious. Don't act like you can do whatever you want just cause she's not gonna be the one to leave." He hauled his guitar case over his shoulder and started out the open garage door. 

Loki called after him, "Why are you so concerned?" 

"Like I said. I'm not a complete asshole." 

\- - - 

"How long have you been home?" Sif asked, as she came in and dumped her bag on the couch next to Thor. He didn't look up from the television, his fingers tapping on his knee, probably to some song he hadn't written yet. 

"A few hours. The guy's sink was just clogged. Nothing big wrong." 

She nodded, sitting down next to him and silently watching TV with him for a while, not making any move to cuddle with him or even put her hand over his. He glanced down at their hands, side by side on the couch but completely separate. 

"…What's the matter with you?" he asked eventually, finally looking away to face her. "You hardly talk to me anymore, you don't want to have sex, you don't want to hold hands…" 

"Thor." She frowned. "Nothing's the matter. I don't know what you mean…" 

"Yeah, you do," he said with a sigh, and stood. Sif's eyes followed him, a dull rage flating in her chest. 

"So what do you want me to do? Do you just plan on pointing out all the problems you have with me like I'm supposed to just fix myself whenever you find something you don't like?" 

"That's not what I meant, and you know it," he said, turning back around on his trek to the bedroom. "Stop trying to start fights over nothing. I just asked you what was wrong." 

"Don't tell me what to do," she shot back, getting to her feet as well. "You can just talk to me, you know, instead of acting like something has to be wrong with me. You can act like we're in a relationship. Half the time I think you're just my dumbass brother I keep having to get out of shit. That's not what relationships are supposed to feel like!" 

"And they're not supposed to feel like I'm the only one working at it, either!" he cried. "You act so bored, like we've signed the rest of our lives away. I was half afraid to leave you with Loki the other night in case you wanted a change of scenery!" 

She fell silent so quickly and so definitely that Thor's eyes widened. Sif stared at him, trying to hurriedly come up with a comeback to continue their argument, anything to get off of the subject, but it was too late. Thor took a step closer to her.

"…What did you do?" 

"I… I didn't," she said, hating the stutter in her voice. "He did." 

"He did," Thor repeated, still watching her scrutinizingly. She faltered. 

"No… we did," she said, swallowing hard. 

Thor's eyes widened even further. "With Loki?" He sounded so disgusted in her, it only managed to make her angrier. She tried to push past him, but he grabbed her by the arms. "With Loki!? While I was at work!?" 

"It was only a kiss," she said, trying to twist out of his grip. When he didn't relent, his fingers only tightening, she yanked one of her arms free and struck him across the face. "Let go of me!" 

"Sif." Thor raised a hand to his face, but she wasn't giving him time to say anything else to her. She didn't want to hear what he had to say. She knew that she was the wrong one in the situation, she knew that he had every right to be upset, but that didn't make her feel any more sympathetic. If anything, it only made her want to hit something again. 

"I'm going to Fandral's to spend the night," she said shortly, going into their bedroom and shoving some clothes into a backpack. "Let's just clear our heads." 

"What's there to clear?" Thor asked, his teeth clenched, but she didn't reply before she was gone, slamming the door behind her. She got into her car and sat there for a moment, her forehead against the steering wheel, breathing deeply to try to calm herself down. When she thought she was rational enough to drive on busy streets, she started the car and drove to Fandral's apartment building. 

"Sif?" He was surprised to see her again, but stood aside to let her in. She wasn't crying anymore; she didn't think she had any more tears for Thor, and that made her both sad and relieved. 

"Can I stay here tonight?" she asked him, letting out a sigh as she put her backpack on his sofa. 

He nodded. "Yeah, of course. Did you… uh… did you tell Thor what happened?"

"I didn't mean to," she grumbled, flopping over onto the couch next to her bag. "He half-guessed, except he was being sarcastic and I was stupid enough to let him know he was right." 

"Happens to the best of us," Fandral said, sitting on the edge of the couch and letting her arrange her legs over his lap without moving much. "So what are you gonna do?" 

"I don't know," she admitted. "I told him I'd only stay here tonight… but it sucks cause I know I'm the bitch here. Not him. So I don't know why I'm not the one still at our house and he's not the one over here." 

Fandral shrugged. "Maybe… it's time to end it with Thor." He paused. "Do you think there's a chance? With you and Loki?" 

"Christ, Fandral, I don't know. And I don't want to think about it right now, either." She sighed, but before he could reply there was another knock on the door. 

"Geez, do you guys think my apartment's a hotel?" he said jokingly, getting out from under Sif's legs and opening the door. Sigyn stood there, hugging herself with tears streaming down her cheeks and a hand subconsciously pressed to her stomach.

"Loki just told me he cheated on me," she said, her voice cracking as her eyes wandered past Fandral and over to the couch that Sif was still lying on. "With Sif."


	3. Nantucket

_My name is Fandral, and I haven't had a drink in two days. It's been awful. Sif is still staying at my apartment with me, because Thor won't speak to her, and Loki left the house and no one quite knows where he is yet. We had to cancel the gig because no one will spend enough time with one another in the same room to really work on anything._

_After Sigyn had walked in on Sif in my apartment the other day, I was afraid they were going to get into an all-out bitch fight, but I guess they're more mature than that, because Sigyn just went red and said she had to leave. She was gone before I could even tell her to come in. I didn't want her to spend the night alone after that, but I didn't want Sif to, either, so I ended up staying up late with her and watching movies and listening to her talk about how stupid she thought she was._

_I've done stupider things than her, as Loki was quick to point out, but I usually had the smarts to leave before anything got too bad._

\- - - 

"Has anyone heard from Loki yet?" Sif asked as she came into Fandral's living room. Volstagg and Hogun were there, but not Thor after hearing that Sif would be there too. 

"I barely heard from Loki even before all of this happened," Volstagg admitted. "And I doubt he spoke to Hogun or Fandral any more. He mostly kept to himself." 

"He spoke to me all the time," she said quietly, sitting on the end of the couch. "He used to text me, and call me. I always just thought he was being friendly, you know, cause we were friends, and I was Thor's girlfriend, too. But now, looking back on it, I guess we were closer than we probably should have been." 

"Yeah, well, shit happens," Fandral said, shrugging as he kept flipping through the channels. "And shit's been happening a lot. And shit's probably going to keep happening." 

"What happened to the old optimistic Fandral who tells me he's probably just off to steal a famous wedding ring for me, or raising money as a hired assassin?" Sif reached out her foot and prodded him in the hip with her toe. 

"He's asleep right now. But if you'd like to leave a message, I'm sure he'll answer as soon as he gets his head out of his ass." 

She rolled her eyes. "Well, whether it's optimistic Fandral or asshole Fandral, I'm glad he's letting me stay in his apartment with him." 

Fandral was about to answer, but there was a knock at the door before he could get a word out. He hauled himself off of the couch and went to answer it, opening the door to find himself face to face with two police officers. 

"Uh… can I help you guys?" 

"We're here because your friend Sigyn's mother just reported her missing," the first officer said flatly. "She's been gone for forty-eight hours. Do you know where she might be?"

Fandral froze, and felt the palpable silence from Sif and the others behind him. "…No," he said slowly, his tongue feeling too big for his mouth. "Forty eight hours? That's impossible. She's been… she's been texting me." 

"What has she been saying?" the other officer asked him. 

"What? Normal stuff. She said she was doing laundry, that she was at the Starbucks down the street…" He suddenly imagined her shoving a feeble load of laundry into a laundromat in some other city or state, or sitting in a Starbucks in Canada. She may not even have been lying, only not telling the whole truth. He thought she must have learned that from Loki.

"She didn't give you any clue as to her location?"

Fandral tried to think back to their text conversations. She hadn't said anything that had alerted him that she wasn't just sitting at home alone. But, then again, he'd been drunk a lot of the time while he was reading her messages. He took his phone from his pocket and looked at the messages. A few of them stood out from the rest immediately now that he was sober. 

_Do you think it's true babies soak up information while they're still inside you?_ she'd asked him.

 _Probably,_ he'd replied. _Why?_

_I wish that mine could see a beach before it's born._

_A beach like California, or Florida?_

_No, too far. Maybe Nantucket or something._

Nantucket. She was on her way to Massachusetts. But she was already alone and scared; having policemen chasing after her wouldn't help things. He put his phone back in his pocket. "No," he lied. "Nothing. I don't know where she is any more than you do." 

The two officers looked at each other before turning back to him. "Alright. Well, if you hear anything from her…" 

"Yeah, I'll report it. But you're not gonna find her unless she wants you to," he said, with a little shrug. "She had a lot to run away from."

"They always do," the second officer said dismissively. "Well, have a nice night. Thank you for your cooperation." They turned and left, and Fandral shut the door behind him. Sif, of course, immediately sprung into action. 

"She left? Oh, god, Fandral. I didn't mean to scare her into leaving." 

"I know where she is," he said calmly, taking his phone out again. "And she wasn't running from you. She was running from him." 

"You know where she is?" Sif frowned. "Why didn't you…?" 

"Cause I'm gonna go find her." He crossed the room and took his extra key out of the desk drawer, tossing it at Sif. "Come and go whenever you want. I'm going to Nantucket." 

"Nantucket?" Sif caught the key in one hand. "What the hell does she want with Nantucket?" 

He took his jacket from its peg by the door, pulling it over his shoulders and feeling for his keys in the pocket. 

"The beach." 

\- - - 

The Greyhound bus was barreling along the road toward the Massachusetts border, its occupants quiet as it bustled over bumps and potholes. Sigyn sat near the front, leaning her head against the window with one hand resting on her stomach. She wasn't showing at all yet, and she couldn't feel it, or anything, but it was almost comforting to know that someone was there with her. Even if that someone was her and Loki's, and Loki didn't love her anymore. 

She thought of Sif, of her tall and lean frame and her dark hair. Apparently she was a natural blonde, though why she started dying her hair, Sigyn wasn't quite sure. She knew Loki liked dark hair, and wondered if he would have still been attracted to Sif had she still been blonde. Or if he would have been even more attracted to her. 

In front of her, the bus driver told them they were just about to reach Massachusetts, and were about to make a stop. Several bathroom-deprived people behind her sighed in relief, but she tensed. Every time they stopped, she was more likely to get caught. Fandral or Loki or someone could come after her, and drag her back home. 

They stopped at a convenience store, and no one found her there. In fifteen minutes she was back on the bus, and in thirty more they were in Nantucket. She smiled and thanked the bus driver, hiking her backpack higher on her shoulder, and called a cab, paying with she and Loki's credit card. 

"Where to?" the driver asked.

"The beach," she told him. "The fastest way to the beach." 

He obliged, and after he'd scanned her card and let her off, she half-walked, half-ran to the water's edge. It was warm, but not as warm as she knew it would be somewhere like California or Florida. There was still a cool breeze that washed over her as she let her backpack fall to the sand and fell to her knees, the tide reaching over the hem of her skirt. She put her hand over her stomach again, as if asking it to remember what it felt like here, by the ocean. 

When someone touched her shoulder, she let out a shriek, whirling around and lashing out an arm instinctively. 

"Woah, woah." Fandral grabbed both of her arms, kneeling next to her. "Relax, it's just me." 

"Fandral!?" She blinked, letting her arms relax as a bad feeling settled in her stomach. "Oh. How did you find me?" 

"I followed you," he said. "I knew you'd come here. So I went to the bus station and asked about you. Then I followed the bus's route, and caught up. I saw you get on the taxi." 

"Creepy." 

"What are you doing?" he asked, with a sigh. "Why are you here? What were you gonna do?" 

"I wanted it to see the beach," she said, looking down at her stomach. "Like we were talking about. And I couldn't stay there any longer. I couldn't look at Loki's face, especially if he tried to defend himself. I don't know what I would have done then." 

"Yeah, well. No one knows where he is, so you don't really have anything to worry about." Fandral shifted to sit on his butt, his knees drawn up to his chest. "Not now, anyway. I think he's guilty."

"He should be," she said quietly, drawing a spiral in the sand by her feet. 

"Sigyn, come home with me."

"No." 

"You won't have to go back there. You can stay with me--" 

"With you and Sif?" She raised her eyebrows. "Oh, that's like a great idea. Sif is totally who I want to spend all of my time with right now." 

"Oh, stop it. You can't stay out here, and you damn well know it. How are you gonna take care of that kid when it pops out?" She fell silent, and he knew he'd won already. After a long while, she looked up from the sand and out over the ocean. 

"Let's just stay here a little bit longer. Then we can go home."

He nodded, looking out with her. "…Alright. We can do that."

\- - - 

"Loki!" Sif pounded on the door to Loki and Sigyn's house. "Loki, open the damn door and stop being such a fucking drama queen. Get out here!" There was no reply. 

She let out a huff and tried the door, starting a bit when she found it wasn't locked, like she'd expected it to be. Opening the door, she stuck her head in and looked around. All of the lights were off, not a sound coming from any corner of the house. As she came inside, she shut the door behind her and called his name a few more times. Still no answer. 

From room to room, she glanced around for some sign of life, until she came to their bedroom. It was torn apart, drawers yanked out of the dresser, clothes hanging from them and the closet, hangers strewn all over the floor. At first, she wasn't surprised; Sigyn had run away, after all. But, as she crossed the room to the bed, she realized that not some, but _all_ of Loki's clothes were gone. 

Her heart sinking, she ran back out into the garage. As she'd expected, his keyboard was gone, too, as was his violin and box of sheet music for both of them. 

Sigyn hadn't been the only one to leave.


	4. An Apology

_My name is Fandral, and I haven't had a drink in a twelve hours. I managed to get Sigyn to come home with me, but after that, Sif told us that Loki was gone, too. And, unlike Sigyn, he hadn't left any clues as to where he might be. Sif thinks that even he didn't know where he was going, just that he got in the car and drove off. Apparently his keyboard and violin were gone, too, so she thinks he must have sold them. It's probably what I would have done._

_Sif and Sigyn had a little bit of a heart to heart when we got back, too, and thankfully, they don't absolutely hate each other. Which came in handy since, a few weeks after we came back, I got kicked out of my apartment for being behind on the rent. Sif and Sigyn and I moved into Sigyn and Loki's place since we have no idea when he's gonna be back, or if he's coming back at all. Every time we try to call his phone, there's no answer, and I'm pretty sure you can't track it unless he makes a call, which, by the looks of it, he's not gonna._

_Me? Well, I'm alright, I guess. No one knows yet. I don't want them to know yet. I can deal with myself, with my own shit. I'm the only one that should have to._

\- - - 

"I thought you were getting clean," Sif said, holding open the refrigerator door. Fandral shrugged, sitting at the kitchen table with his head leaned tiredly in his hands. 

"Yeah. Well, nobody's perfect. I gotta have a little fun every once in a while, right?" 

She rolled her eyes, taking out the carton of orange juice she was after. "You're not doing yourself any favors, you know. It's no good, all of that bullshit." 

"I don't think I asked you anything about it, Sif, actually, so you can keep your opinion to yourself." 

She snapped her head around at him, raising her eyebrows. "Talking back to me?" she said, half-teasingly but with an edge of seriousness to her voice that he couldn't miss, whether he was drunk or not. She poured herself a glass before putting the carton back, sauntering past him. "I like you better when you're sober," she said simply, heading into the living room without another word.

Fandral sighed. "Me, too," he said, not loud enough for her to hear. He was only alone for a few moments before Sigyn came in. She was into her second trimester by now (according to her and Sif; he didn't know much about it), and in the weeks that had passed since she'd first told him that she was pregnant, she'd started showing a little. Not a whole lot, but enough for her t-shirts to start straining over her belly a little. 

"What's got you so down?" she asked as she came in to get some of the grapes out of the fridge. 

"Who's down?" he retorted, leaning back in his chair. "I'm fine. Great, even." 

"I heard Sif telling you off," she said, narrowing her eyes at her. "So either you're drunk, or you've been drunk. Which is it?" 

"Been," he said with a sigh. "But it's none of her business, anyway. It's not like I get on her for doing anything self-destructive." 

"What does she do that's self-destructive?" Sigyn asked, sitting in the chair across from him. 

"Sit in her bedroom and call Loki's cell phone ten or twelve times a night. Look at her and Thor's pictures when she thinks I'm not looking. She's not as tough as she looks. She just thinks if she acts like she is, it'll eventually leave her without any kinda sentimentality at all." He picked at a groove in the table's wood, not meeting Sigyn's eyes. 

She studied him a bit. "You know a lot about her." 

"I know a lot about everyone," he said, sitting up a bit straighter. "It's what happens when you're the drunk guy in the corner. You retain more information than you think." 

She nodded, but still looked at him thoughtfully, as if he was a mystery to her. "Well… hey. I never really thanked you properly, for coming out and getting my ass back home." 

He frowned a bit. "You don't need to thank me. Of course I did it. Who else would, if not me?" 

"No one, that's the point. I thought I was just gonna be out there forever, and I didn't have much of a plan past going to the beach. I guess I was gonna go somewhere and find a job, maybe sleep at a shelter for a few weeks til I had enough rent money… I don't know." She shook her head, taking a grape and putting it in her mouth. 

He reached across the table and grabbed one for himself, prompting a smile from her that she tried to wrestle down, but failed; a sweet sort of smile, the smile of a child who was trying to act upset when something was making them laugh. He popped the grape in his mouth with a wink. 

She shook her head, letting her grin take over. "You're so weird. How you can get me to laugh over a grape. Loki couldn't even get me to laugh when he was telling a joke." 

"Yeah, well." Fandral shrugged. "Maybe that means you should be dating me instead." 

Immediately, he knew that was the wrong thing to say. She widened her eyes at him, her grin immediately wilting. Too late did Fandral realize his half-joke had gone unappreciated, and she was up, with a screech of her chair, and out of the room before he could finish saying her name. The grapes lay abandoned on their plate. 

\- - - 

"Hey, Loki, it's… me again. Sif. I know the likelihood of you hearing this as opposed to all of my other messages is pretty slim, but… If you do, could you please call me? I'm really fucking worried about you, Loki. I wish you even knew. Fandral started drinking again, not that you would care, and I just… I feel so alone. I miss you. I miss looking at you at the rehearsals and knowing both of us think everyone else is an idiot. I miss you so goddamn much, as soon as I see you again, I'm gonna give you a black eye, that's how much I miss you.

"But you don't care, do you? You're off hiding somewhere, like you always do. Why deal with something if you can hide from it? Why deal with all of your bullshit when you can just leave all of us here alone? You know, Thor found out what you did. I know that doesn't really help in my argument to get you to come back, but… I know you're a good person under all this shit. I know you won't make me handle this by myself.

"But whatever, I guess. I really want you to come back. Please come back. Just listen to me, and get on a bus, if you sold the car, and just do me a solid and come back. I'm going crazy. You were the only one here who I could really just… sit down and talk to, and not feel crazy, you know? Not feel like I'm weird. Even Thor makes me feel weird, like I'm some kind of scary crazy woman who's gonna kill him in his sleep. I'm not that weird, and I feel like you were the only one who noticed. 

"I'm really sorry. I'm sorry I told you to leave that day. I was just stupid, and scared, and I didn't know what to do. Anyway, I guess… I guess I'll go now. I just really wish you'd give me some kind of sign, that you were alive. You can even call me from a payphone if you don't want me to know where you are. I just want to hear you, and know you're okay. Please." 

\- - - 

Loki didn't know where he was. He'd come to the city and immediately sold his instruments, getting enough money for them to find the most disgusting apartment he could manage, before doing the same with his car and saving some of that money. He wandered the streets at night, and oddly enough, the muggers seemed to steer away from him. Like they could smell his crazy from all the way across the sidewalk. 

He lived there for a few weeks peacefully, or at least, as peacefully as he could possibly be, having to live with his mind, having to lay in bed at night and stare up at the dirty ceiling and sleep with the knowledge that he was a failure, that he was a piece of shit that didn't deserve being loved by anyone. Usually, before he went to sleep, he'd press his phone to his ear and listen to Sif's messages. Sometimes she sounded like she was crying, sometimes not, but she always sounded like she was in the room with him, like he so wished she was. 

But this was why he had left; to quarantine himself from all of the amazing people who had somehow stumbled into his life. He thought about this as he made his way down the wet and dark sidewalk at night, into a crowded club and into the throng of people inside of it. Some people casually touched him as he walked past, and though he flinched, he knew it was to be expected. 

He made his way to the women's restroom of the club and slipped in without anyone noticing. The blonde girl in green was waiting for him there, smiling and holding up a little bag of something white. "I didn't think I was gonna see you here tonight." 

"Yes, well, you were wrong, then," he said, stepping into one of the stalls with her. She reached behind her to tie her hair out of her eyes, giving him the little bag and letting him shake the white powder out in a line on the toilet paper dispenser. She reached into her back pocket and handed him a rolled-up dollar bill, which he held up to his nose, leaning over the dispenser.

He closed his eyes, and breathed deep. 


	5. Found

_My name is Fandral, and I haven't had a drink in three days. I completely fucked up with Sigyn; she won't even look at me now. I don't know why I don't just give up, but no matter what I do, there's always this nagging voice in the back of my head telling me I can't. Saying that if I give up now, I'm gonna be just as worthless as everyone thinks that I am, and I can't do that. I have to keep going. I have to prove Marian wrong._

_The most important thing that's happened this week, I guess, was that yesterday Loki called Sif from a payphone in New York. The city, New York, not some random town in the state. He made it pretty far, but judging by their conversation, he'd done pretty much exactly what we'd predicted, sold the instruments and the car. When she hung up, though, she said he sounded weird, though I'm not really sure what she meant by that. Loki's always been weird to me, but I guess she knows him better than I do._

_Meanwhile, I have to think of some way to apologize to Sigyn without continuing to sound like I want to get in her pants. Which is going to be hard, cause I do. Maybe not now, while she's pregnant. That's kind of… I don't know. That's bad even for me. But it feels so weird with her, like I want her to be happy. I'm not gonna step up and raise a baby with her or anything, but I just wish I could make her happier than she is now. Sometimes I catch her sitting in the living room watching the Discovery Channel, her hand on her stomach, like she thinks watching all of it will make the baby smart. And maybe it will. I don't pretend to know about things like that._

\- - - 

"So there's no way of finding him, even though he called you?" Sigyn asked Sif quietly, the two of them sitting on the couch watching an ocean documentary. 

Sif shrugged. "There's a way, I guess, but New York is such a huge city, and it's just one payphone. And knowing him, he'd go all the way across town to use a payphone just to throw us off. He doesn't want me to find him. And I guess I don't blame him, I mean, I did kick him out."

"Still seems a little dramatic, even for him," Fandral said, coming in to join them and sitting on the other end of the couch with a bag of chips. "Do we have to watch this?"

"Yes," Sigyn said shortly, looking down at her stomach and determinedly away from him. "It's good for them. Whatever they are."

"When are you gonna be able to find out what it is?" he asked, taking a chip from the bag and popping it in his mouth. "Any time soon?"

"Maybe." He apparently realized she was trying to get him to shut up, so he took the hint, sitting back and listening to her and Sif talk for a while. Eventually, he stood, leaving the bag of chips on the couch.

"I'll see you guys later."

"Where are you going?" Sif asked, raising her eyebrows.

"Out." He grabbed his jacket from the hooks by the door. 

"Out where?"

"None of your business," he said, which even Sigyn knew was just another term for the bar. She sighed as he shut the door behind him, and turned her head to look at Sif.

"What's the matter with him? He used to be so nice."

"He's trying to be nice. That's what's the sad thing," she said, reaching over to grab his abandoned chips. "But I don't think he knows how to be nice anymore, really."

"He told me the other day that he wanted to go out with me. I couldn't believe him. While I'm pregnant?" She shook her head, taking a chip from the bag when Sif offered it.

"It's not like it's sudden, though," Sif told her. Sigyn frowned.

"What do you mean, it's not sudden? He never said anything before…" Sif surprised her by laughing, leaning her head back against the couch and crunching the chip bag between her fingers. 

"I'm sorry, I know, I shouldn't be laughing, but… Fandral's been flirting with you for like, years, Sigyn. He's not really subtle about it." 

"Yeah, but…" Sigyn bit down on her lower lip. "He's like that with everyone. I'm not special. I'm no different than all the other girls he's brought to the garage, the ones that hang off his arm and giggle at everything he says…" 

"You giggle a little," Sif said with a smirk. "Admit it." 

"What are you trying to say?" Sigyn asked in exasperation. "That I should go out with him? That I should just… drop everything, and get swept up into his arms? If he doesn't drop me first from being so drunk, that is." 

"If you took him," Sif said, "he wouldn't drink anymore. Bet your ass he wouldn't."

"Well, I don't want that." Sigyn shook her head. "I don't want to make him stop. I want him to stop for me, if he likes me so much. He can prove that he's not just some bum, and maybe I'll consider it, but now… You can hardly talk to him."

Sif gave a little shrug. "I know, believe me. Saving someone isn't a responsibility any sane girl wants." 

\- - - 

Fandral didn't want to feel guilty about drinking again, so, naturally, he went out for a drink. He shuffled down the sidewalk by himself, his hands shoved in his pockets, watching people shove past him and kids run by. He figured they were on summer break by now, and didn't have anything better to do. He kept on down the sidewalk, vaguely noticing each of the faces that glanced at him as he passed, but not taking any of them to heart, except one. 

"Fandral?" The face was golden, a sort of aged pleasantness etched across its features as it smiled at him and took him by the shoulders to steer him away from the moving crowd. He hadn't seen Loki and Thor's mother since they were in high school, and now wasn't really the best time he could think of for meeting her again. "How are you, dear? I haven't seen you in ages. The boys hardly even come by to visit anymore." 

He was so taken aback by running into someone he knew, that the resoluteness of him going straight to the bar and drinking was fading rapidly. "I'm… I'm fine, Frigga. I'm glad to see you again." 

She gave him a smile, that mom smile that could send guilt ripping through you in seconds. "That's wonderful. What about the boys? They should call every once in a while, really." 

What was he supposed to say? That Loki was missing and Thor was pissed off and who-knows-where? "They're fine," he lied, and found it easier to do than he'd thought it would be. "Just fine. Uh, the band's doing great, too." Another lie. They were coming to him so quickly and easily he felt like Loki. 

"That's great. That's so great. And you're keeping out of trouble, I assume?" she asked, with a teasing smile as she gave him a pat on the shoulder. 

"Yeah, well, you know me," he said with a forced smile. She didn't question that, so he guessd she really did know him. Or thought she did. 

"Yes." She smiled, and pulled him into a hug. "Well, promise me you'll take care of yourself." 

He nodded dully, forcing an even wider smile. "Yeah, I promise." 

"Good. Say hi to the boys for me." She gave him a kiss on the cheek and left as quickly as she'd sprung herself on him, her brown skirt brushing against the sidewalk as she walked briskly away. He leaned against the side of the building she'd pulled him aside to, and took a deep breath, trying to gather the wits to keep on going to the bar. How was it possible for someone to fail at failing? 

\- - - 

"Are you Sif?" 

She'd barely answered her phone before the voice had demanded her name, which took her a bit aback. "What? Yes, I'm Sif… Who is this?" 

"This is the Bronx-Lebanon Hospital Center. We're treating a patient who has you listed as a primary contact on his cell phone." 

Her heart dropped to the pit of her stomach. "A patient… Loki?" 

"Yes, Loki Odinson. He was brought in for a cocaine overdose last night. Can you get to New York in the next few days?" 

The woman's voice sounded far away as Sif lowered herself into a sitting position. "How… how did you know to call me? He has other contacts…" Why hadn't they called Sigyn? 

"There were over two dozen unsent text messages to you in his drafts folder, ma'am. We figured you were our best bet. Now, about getting here…" 

"Yes, of course I can," she said, her throat tightening. "Is he… is he okay?" 

"He hasn't woken up yet. He came in in the midst of a drug-enduced seizure, and has been unconscious since it stopped. We're doing the best we can." 

"I don't understand… He'd never do something like that. He was always…" The smart one. She remembered the long message she'd left him on the phone, and wondered if he'd even heard it. If he would ever hear it. "No. I'm sorry. I'll be there as soon as I can." 

"Thank you. And if he wakes up before then, is there anything you would have us tell him?" 

"Just… tell him I'm on my way. And that I'm sorry." 


	6. Back to Ordinary

_My name is Fandral, and I haven't had a drink in three hours. But I'm not drunk, so count your blessings, I guess. Sif's news sobered me up a little. Apparently Loki's been getting in some trouble in the city, and ended up in a New York hospital for a cocaine overdose. I admit, out of all of us, I never thought he'd be the one to do something like that. I always thought… well, I always thought it would be me, honestly. I'm glad it wasn't. But the night's still young, right?_

_Anyway. Sif left this morning to go get him, or say goodbye to him, or whatever's going to happen when she gets there. She didn't really specify what kind of state he was in, which makes me think either she doesn't know, or it's bad. I would hate it if I was her, not knowing. I don't think I could drive with that kind of stress. I know it's shitty of me, not to be as worried as I should be. Even if me and Loki don't really get along, he's still my friend, at least, officially. But I don't really feel sad, or worried. I don't feel anything at all._

_As for Sigyn, she--_

\- - - 

"Can I talk to you?" Sigyn asked, coming into Fandral's bedroom. He quickly shut his webcam off and turned to look at her. She was wearing one of her babydoll maternity dresses, even though she still wasn't showing all that much, but it looked good on her either way, pale blue with a flower pattern. What he thought was more endearing was that she was wearing honest-to-god white thigh-high socks, like some kind of Japanese schoolgirl. 

"Yeah, of course," he told her, pushing the thoughts of her clothes out of his head. "What'd I do wrong this time?" 

"Nothing." She sighed, sitting down on the edge of his bed, across from where he sat on his desk chair. "I just… I don't know. I don't really want to apologize, because I'm pretty sure you were drunk when you said you thought I should date you, and that would still make you the wrong one." 

"What a nice conversation this is starting out to be." He rolled his eyes. 

"No, no. Just listen to me." She ran a hand over her hair. "Okay, maybe I do want to apologize. You just scared me." 

"Why?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. "Is the idea of dating me really that scary?" 

She was silent, clearly not expecting that, and grasping for something else to say to him. He didn't give her a chance to come up with something, putting his hands on his knees before speaking again.

"Look. I wasn't drunk when I told you that. But if you'd rather think that I was, that's just fine. Keep thinking it. The fact is, Loki went off and overdosed on hard drugs, and he didn't call and ask for you. He called and asked for Sif." 

"He didn't call and ask for anyone," she mumbled. "He just had… a bunch of texts to her. In his drafts. He never sent any of them." 

"Even worse." He rolled his eyes. "But the point is… do you really want to do this? Be pregnant, have this kid, all by yourself?" 

She stared at him. "What are you offering? To be this baby's dad? Is that what you're saying?" 

"What? No," he said quickly, his eyes widening. "No. No way. I just…" He sighed deeply, looking away from her. "I might… love you, a little bit. I don't know how."

Her expression became guarded, scrutinizing. "You might love me a little bit." 

He nodded. God, he'd screwed up again. Was there anything he touched that didn't immediately fall apart or get ruined? He watched her, guiltily, as she stood from his bed and made her way back toward the door, watching him like he was a wild animal that could strike her at any moment. 

"…I don't understand you, Fandral," she said. But she didn't sound angry, or upset. Just tired. 

"It's alright," he told her, turning back to his computer. "I don't, either." 

\- - - 

Loki didn't remember anything that happened, only that he'd blacked out to seeing Amora's face hovering over him, asking if he was feeling alright. After that, everything was black. His heart had been pounding so fast and hard in his head that he'd felt crippled with fear. But now, when he opened his eyes, he had no idea where he was, or how much time had passed. Al he knew was that he'd done something incredibly stupid and that Sif was never going to forgive him. 

Sif. He had a vague feeling that he'd seen her face very recently, even though he knew that couldn't be the case. He hadn't seen her for months now, not since he left; the only thing he had was her Facebook page, the photo of her and Thor that was set as her profile picture. But he had such a clear image of her now that he didn't know what had happened. Until, that is, he heard her voice. 

"Loki?" 

A hospital, he realized. He was in a hospital. The entire room was so white it hurt when he opened his eyes. But there was one thing in the room that wasn't white, and that was Sif, sitting in a chair on the other side of the room from him in a black sweater and red jeans, a welcome spot of dark in the blankness of the rest of her surroundings. As soon as he opened his eyes, she came across the room to sit in the chair closer to the bed, taking the hand that the IV was stuck into. 

"Loki, can you hear me? Are you okay? Please be okay." 

He felt dizzy, as if he wasn't sure any of this was happening. "…I think I'm okay," he told her, but closed his eyes again. "What happened…? No, don't say." He knew what had happened; he didn't need to hear her scornful voice recounting it. He chose a different question. "Why are you here…?" 

"The hospital people found a lot of messages to me in the drafts of your phone," she said quietly. "Why didn't you send any of them?" 

"You didn't want to hear from me." 

"Oh, fuck you. You didn't know that. I asked you to leave the house, not to go kill yourself." 

"I didn't mean to kill myself," he said, with a tired sigh. "Or… almost kill myself, as it were. I only wanted… I don't know. I wanted something other than what I had. And she… Amora… I met her in a club. I only went there to see if I could get a job there, but she was in the men's restroom with a little bag, and she told me it was the best feeling thing in the world, and it was. Except… it wasn't." 

Sif watched him, trying not to look too scrutinizing as she did. "Then what is the best feeling thing in the world?" 

Loki ran his tongue over his dry lips, looking over at her. "It was sitting on a piano bench, kissing you." 

All of the strength Sif had gathered to sit in here with him fell like a house of cards, collapsing and sending her into a fit of tears. She lay her head on the bed next to him, sobs shaking her shoulders. Loki took his hand out from under hers and rested it against her hair, his thumb stroking some of it away from her forehead. 

"…I love you, Sif. I've always loved you." 

She nodded, lifting her head back up. Her nose was red from crying, tears still streaked down her cheeks and her lips still twisted into a tight frown. "I know," she said. "I love you, too. I do." 

"Then… let's go home." 

\- - - 

Life dragged after that. Sigyn smiled tentatively at Loki and put a hand on her stomach, as if apologizing and confessing at the same time. Loki smiled back at her. Fandral no longer had his apartment and Sif was no longer welcome in Thor's, so the four of them had to figure out how to get along in the house with one another without any homicide. 

The summer turned to autumn, the leaves outside of the house turning a deep wine-red before falling to the grass. Sigyn was seven months now, her belly bigger than it'd ever been. She and Loki made some sort of peace, Loki deciding that being her friend and being for her and the baby that he'd helped make was more important than being an idiot and distancing himself. 

Everything was going perfectly fine. Which, of course, indicated that something was going to go wrong very soon.


	7. Sick

_My name is Fandral and I'm drinking right now. A few days ago, Thor called a band meeting in the garage. I hadn't seen him in months, and neither had everyone else, so it was weird. He stood on Volstagg's stool behind the drums and told us that he was leaving. He wanted to really go after a career, he said, and so he was going to move to the city._

_Then he did something I'm still mad at. He looked around at all of us, and asked which of us were coming and which of us weren't. Like we could just drop everything and follow him. He looked at Sif in particular, and asked her if she was going to come, or stay. Sif looked at Loki. He was sitting back by where Sigyn used to sit, still looking pale and skinny. And she looked Thor in the eyes and said no, she was staying here, with Loki._

_Thor left after that. I think he figured some things just aren't worth the fight. He would have had a good time by himself, anyway, I know it. He's good._

_Volstagg and Hogun decided to go with him, though, which meant that me, Sif, Loki and Sigyn are the only ones left now. I guess the group was split in two pretty evenly: those of us who really wanted to make music, and those of us who just wanted a distraction._

\- - - 

"Hey," Sigyn said, standing in the front doorway. Fandral was sitting on the porch, his guitar in his lap, trying to strum what the leaves sounded like to him. He figured that was the first sign he was too drunk, trying to make music that sounded like colors. When Sigyn came out with him, though, he looked back at her. 

"Yeah?" 

"About what you said. Last week." She sat next to him on the front steps, her arms folded over her belly. "That you might… love me." 

"Yeah, so?" 

She knew that he was drunk; it didn't take a genius to figure it out. But he'd developed such a tolerance that mostly the biggest sign he wasn't sober was the fact that he seemed to turn into a complete asshole beyond his own control. "So… how drunk were you when you said that?" 

"Less drunk than I am right now," he said, with a few more light strums. She sighed. 

"Well… I don't want to disappoint you, but it's not going to happen." 

He plucked a sour chord, literally. "Yeah? Why not? I'm not your type? Maybe I should dye my hair black and get forehead surgery to make it bigger." 

"Will you stop being such a brat for five seconds?" she said. "Look. I know you. I know you like doing this with girls, like romancing them, or whatever. And then I know that you move on to the next one. I'm pregnant, Fandral. I'm gonna have a baby, and I'm not going to be your fuck buddy right now. So if you just expect me to fall for all of the shit your other girls fall for, you're wrong." She stood as quickly as she could, still holding her stomach. "So just… I think it'd be best if you just leave me alone." 

She turned and went inside, the screen door shutting behind her. Fandral let his fingers fall slack against his guitar strings, looking up into the dull grey sky before standing himself, putting his guitar away, and putting on a jacket so that he could walk to the nearest bar and find someone to make him feel like less of an asshole. 

\- - - 

"Fandral?" 

He could barely hear Sif say his name, let alone understand that she was talking to him, so it took the slap he got across the face to really bring him back to the real world. 

"Sorry," she said, though she didn't sound very sorry at all. "You were scaring me. I thought you might be… not okay. What are you doing here?" 

He was in the park, he realized. And it was tomorrow. Sif was wearing jogging clothes, and one of those armbands to clip her iPod onto as she ran, and he was sitting on a bench by himself, with a broken beer bottle on the ground next to the bench. He must have dropped it, or thrown it at some point, he didn't know which. 

"…I dunno," he told her truthfully, hauling himself into an upright position. "I… I remember having a fight with Sigyn, kind of. And then I left, cause I wanted to… do something else. But I don't remember anything after that." 

"Well, start by zipping up your pants," she said, rolling her eyes. "I don't want to see any of your junk. And then come on, I'll take you back to the house." 

"No," he said immediately. He couldn't go back to where Sigyn was. She still hated him. "I can go home by myself." 

"Fandral, don't act like I'm stupid. I can tell you're still drunk as shit. Come on, let's get your ass in the car." She put her hands under his armpits and hauled him to his feet, probably the only girl he knew who could actually lift him up. "Let's go." 

For some reason or another, he let her drag him over to her car and push him into the passenger's seat, coughing into his hand as he slumped down and she tugged the seatbelt over his chest and went to the other side of the car so she could drive him home. He coughed again, and suddenly with that cough he felt like he was going to throw up, so he pressed his hand to his mouth and hurriedly rolled down the window, leaning his head out and vomiting onto the sidewalk. 

Sif sighed, leaning her forehead against the steering wheel. "…Are you okay? I mean… I know you're not okay, but… medically, are you okay? You've been acting sick." 

"I'm fine," he said, or groaned, really, running the back of his hand over his mouth. "Just… hungover." 

"If I paid for you to get a checkup, would you?" 

"No." 

"What if I told you Sigyn and I were going to kick you out if you didn't?" 

"She doesn't know anything about this. Fuck off." 

"She would agree, trust me. She cares about you. Even if it's not in the way you want her to care about you." He almost felt like he would throw up again when she said that, but he managed to keep what little was left in his stomach down. 

"…Okay, I'll go to the stupid fucking doctor's. You happy?" 

"Yes," she said simply. "I told you. I'm just worried about you. I don't want something to be wrong."


	8. The Truth

_My name is Fandral and I haven't had a drink in two days. I guess I'm building myself back up, kind of. It has a lot to do with nerves. Sif is dragging me to the doctor's today and I didn't want to be drunk for it, or anything, and every time I take a bottle out of the fridge I feel guilty, like Sif's watching me do it even if she's in the other room._

_I don't know what she's expecting out of this trip to the doctor's. I don't know what she wants to find out. I don't know if she knows everything or if I'm just being paranoid. There's no possible way she can know, unless she's watching these videos and I've blubbered about it drunk at some point and just forgot about it. Sometimes I don't even think that I know what really happened. If not for the evidence, I don't think I ever would remember it._

_I have to go. I can hear her yelling at me from the other room._

\- - - 

After the doctor's appointment, Sif got back into the driver's side of her car, silently resting her hands on the steering wheel and staring down at it. Fandral sat in the passenger's seat, sighing. 

"…Please say something."

"Why?" she asked, not sounding angry, or vicious, or anything like that. Just hurt. "You didn't." 

"I didn't think it was important." 

"Not important?" She slammed her hands down at the bottle of the steering wheel. "Dammit, Fandral, how could you think this wasn't important? This is your life! I thought I was your friend! In what universe was it okay to keep this a secret from me?" 

"I didn't want to upset you," he mumbled, looking down at the glove compartment. "Or worry you. Or make you think I'm… I don't know. Sick." 

"You are sick." 

"I'm not that sick. People live for years with this. Years and years. I didn't want you to start treating me like a dead guy when all I am is HIV positive." 

"How did you even… Who the fuck did you sleep with to get HIV?" 

"Nobody." 

"I think you owe me that, at least. The story of how this happened."

"There's no story, alright? There's no story. It was Marian."

She stared at him, her lips turned down in a frown. "…Marian? Your ex girlfriend? She… she was HIV positive?" 

He nodded, his shoulders slumping as he leaned his head back against the seat. "She was… she was into drugs. Cocaine." 

"Cocaine." What Loki had overdosed on in the city. Just like him. "Did you ever…?" 

"Just a couple times. I wasn't addicted or anything. I just did it when she wanted me to. She wasn't a liar or anything, she didn't know she had it at first." 

"But she left you."

"No…" He sighed, looking over at Sif. "I lied about that. She didn't dump me." 

"Then what happened?" 

"She killed herself. She's dead. When she found out she gave it to me, after that first doctor's trip… she felt so guilty that she cut her wrists in the bathroom and left me to find her when I got home. Are you happy now? Now that you know all the truth? Cause you always have to know the truth." 

She didn't say anything, and he guessed you couldn't really say anything to that. Then she leaned over the cup holders and gear shift and wrapped her arms around him. At first, he tried to pull away, on instinct, but after a while, he just leaned his head against her shoulder and closed his eyes. 

\- - - 

 

"He's what?" Sigyn and Loki stared at Sif from across the table, the former wringing her hands over her swollen belly and the latter with his folded on the table. 

"You heard me," Sif sighed, running a hand back through her hair. "But we can't make a big deal about it." 

"But it's a big deal!" Sigyn said shrilly, but Loki shook his head. 

"No, she's right. It'll only make him feel worse," he sighed. "We can't do that. I might not like him too much, but I do have to live with him in this house with you guys." 

"So what do we do?" Sigyn's voice was small. She thought of how Fandral had said he was in love with her. That could never happen now, at least, not like he'd want it to. 

"We don't have to do anything," Loki said, standing up and going to stare out of the window behind the sink. "He won't want us to, anyway." 

"…Sigyn, I think you should talk to him," Sif said. 

"Me?" Her eyebrows shot up. "Why me?" 

"You know why you. You know he cares about you most." 

"That doesn't mean I… I mean, I don't…" 

Sif crossed her arms over her chest. "You're gonna look me in the face and tell me you're not in love with him?" 

"I'm… not." Sigyn pursed her lips, putting a hand on her stomach. She certainly wasn't in love with Loki anymore, not after all this, but she couldn't be with Fandral, either. She couldn't be. "…Okay, I'll talk to him." 

\- - - 

She never got to talk to him. Before she could get him alone, she felt labor pains, and by the time Fandral got home from the bars that night, Loki and Sif had taken her to the hospital, with nothing but a note telling him where they were. His brain still fuzzy from drinking, he stared at the note for nearly a full minute before leaving the house and starting to walk.


	9. The Last Recording

_My name is Fandral, and I haven't had a drink in six months._

_The night that Sigyn gave birth, I went to the hospital and sat outside the nursery. Loki and Sif were in there with her, but they wouldn't let me in. They said it might make Sigyn uncomfortable. I wasn't angry or anything. I guess I kind of understood why she'd be uncomfortable around me now. I'm surprised more people aren't uncomfortable around me, to be honest. I felt like I was waiting in that chair for days and days, even though I know it was only hours. I didn't know for sure what was going to happen. I didn't know anything, really; it just took me a really long time to realize it._

_Finally, Sif came out and sat next to me. She reached over and took my hand, which was strange, because even Marian hardly ever held my hand when she was alive. She told me that Sigyn's baby was a girl, and that she was probably going to give it up for adoption. I don't know why I was sad. It's not like she was my daughter, or that Sigyn was even my girlfriend. She never would be, either, I thought._

_Sigyn spent the night at the hospital and I went home with Loki and Sif. All we did was sit there in the dark, not talking. Thinking back on it, I don't know why we were so sad. I thought that babies were supposed to be good, happy things, but now it was like Sigyn had given birth to a demon or something. No one said anything until we got a phone call from her, pretty late. She was probably supposed to be asleep. Loki stayed on the phone with her for a long time in the kitchen, and after a while, Sif and I heard him start crying._

_He came out into the living room and pulled Sif out of her chair. The two of them just stood there and hugged for a long time, and Sif didn't even know what was happening, but she didn't stop him. After a while, he said that Sigyn wanted he and Sif to keep her baby._

_We still all live in this house, even though we all agreed to raise the kid with Sif as her mom, not Sigyn. We wouldn't lie to her if she asked questions, we'd explain it how it was, but Sigyn was going to be her aunt, and I was going to be her uncle. Sigyn sat out on the porch steps with me about a month after she got home from the hospital, barefoot, just sitting next to me and my guitar._

_Then, without warning, she took my face and turned it toward her and kissed me. And I guess we're kind of together now. I like it. I've practically been in love with her since forever, after all. I think Marian would like it, that I was happy again, even if it wasn't with her. That's why she killed herself, after all, in a really roundabout kind of way. She just wanted me to be happy, and she thought she'd ruined it. I took Sigyn to her grave with me a couple of weeks ago, and she sat next to her and told her how great I was doing, how I hadn't had a drink in months, how proud she was of me._

_I'm proud of me, too. I'm proud of Loki and Sif, I'm proud of all of us._

\- - - 

The End.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read this story! Thank you for your comments and kudos, thank you for everything.


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